[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Listen to this awesome spoken word version of one of Kanye’s first singles “All Falls Down”. I think it’s on Mos Def’s “Def Poetry Jam.” Mos Def calls him “the future of hip-hop”. I wonder if he had any idea just how huge Kanye would be!

Listen to how never K West is, considering what a pompous prick he is these days. And I love to hear witty rap lyrics, which are normally passed over without pause (except for Lil’ Wayne, who seems to laugh at every third of his own lines), given a chance to be laughed at. The audience obviously really likes him. Listen to their response as they get the line “I can’t even pronounce nothing, pass that ‘ver-say-see’!”

Well, Gotham, your caped avenger has finally been apprehended. But Commissioner Gordon isn’t to thank this time. 

No, the heros who took down the “Bat Man”, as the papers have called him, were none other than Los Angeles’s finest, the LAPD. 

In this harrowing video taken yesterday, NBC has captured the incredible struggle between the officers and the “dark knight”, whose real identity is still unknown to the world. The battle is a fierce one, and one can’t help but wonder what must’ve been going through the minds of those fearless officers as they took down the man who has been terrorizing the crime-ridden city of Gotham for countless years now.

Why was the Batman in Los Angeles? Why was he out in broad daylight? Can we assume that LA traffic slowed down the “Batmobile” so it wasn’t able to intervene and rescue him? My guess is these questions, like the question of the Batman’s true identity, will never be answered. Although based on his voice, I’m pretty sure he’s Jewish.

Oh, and if this weren’t enough excitement, the cameraman even has a brief run-in with Bruce Banner, or “The Hulk”, who gets so mad it appears that he’s about to turn into his alter-ego! 

Update About Sex and the City 2 Controversy

As reported (stolen) from a trusted source (some website) a few days ago, there’s been some controversy about how Muslims and Muslim culture are treated in the new Cynthia Nixon vehicle Sex and the City 2. We at ABGTH can’t imagine what all the hullaballo is about, though we did recently come about this photograph of Sarah Jessica Parker on the red carpet at the premiere:

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Another Porno Title That Should Be Made…By Me.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Megan Fox? Dude, I’d Totally Do Her.

According to my un-named sources, which are just websites that I forget the names of, Micheal Bay has lost the best part of his mediocre Transformers film trilogy. And no, its not Peter Cullen, Shia LeBeouf, or even the delightful comedy stylings of Julie White and Kevin Dunn. Gone is the unimaginably, and possibly unconstitutionally hot Megan Fox. Whether she was let go (unlikely, as she is the only reason that 90% of the fanboys who see these movies are willing to pay $14 for them), or she quit (likely, as she probably thinks she’s going to make it as a “real actress”) is still in the air, and fortunately, doesn’t matter to me.

With one of today’s hottest commodities out of a movie whose director relies almost exclusively on eye candy to sell tickets, one can only imagine what other red-hot star Bay will choose to replace Megan Fox, whose last name, by the way, is Fox.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

A Couple Facts About the Indie Thriller “Avatar”

A small film known by few from up-and-coming director James Cameron is set to become the highest grossing film in the history of Hollywood, and also the history of the world, at $2.5 billion(aka 2,500,000,000) at the box office.  Here are a couple things you may not have known about Avatar:

  • Matt Damon and Jake Gyllenhaal were both considered for Sam Worthington’s role of Jake Sculley…Kind of— The LA Times recently reported that James Cameron spoke to the two A-listers about playing the lead role, by neither was interested. In fact, Cameron had his eye on Worthington(who was living in his car at the time!) from the beginning, and merely approached the other two to placate the Fox execs who were nervous about the huge price tag of the movie without a real bankable star.  Fox execs, as seen in my previous post, are dumb.
  • James Cameron originally intended for the film to be released in 1999— No studio would pony up the $400 budget.  I think this is a good thing. Think: not only would the special effects be on par with the likes of Godzilla 2000 and Wild Wild West, but it would also have had to compete at the box office with Mystery Men and Bicentennial Man! (Speaking of 1999, check out my next post).
  • James Cameron has now directed the two highest-grossing films of all timeAvatar and Piranha Part Two: The Spawning.  I think he’s done some other films, too.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010

On the heels of Batman XXX, the forthcoming porn parody from the Leader of Lewd Lampooning Axel Braun, we* at Allblogsgotoheaven.com thought we’d offer the Superior of Sex Spoofs some new ideas. And we realize that recreating famous movie titles with sexual innuendo is soooo 2001 (The Gaytrix, Dude, Where’s My Cunt?, Shaving Ryan’s Privates). But we’re bored, and we’re still learning how to use Photoshop.

So, Master of Masturbatory Mockery**, here are some future projects to consider:

  • 12 Horny Men
  • Pulp Fucktion
  • Schindler’s Fist
  • The Silence of My Clam
  • Tight Club
  • Citizen Kink
  • American HIStory XXX
  • The Bridge Over River Twat

*We=me.

**Coming up with alliterate titles for a porno director is harder than it sounds.

Varför är amerikaner så jävla lat (or, Why are Americans so goddamn lazy?)

Is it really so hard to read subtitles?

In 2009 Niels Arden Oplev made Man som hatar kvinnor, the film adaptation of the first of Stieg Larsson’s tremendous mystery series, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (though the original book in Swedish has the same title, which literally translates to “Men Who Hate Women,” which kind of sounds like a show on UPN. Is UPN still a channel?). In Norway and Denmark it is the most viewed Swedish film of all time(that’s according to Wikipedia, which is always right about everything), and received the Audience Award at the European Film Awards (I assume Europeans call them the “EFA’s”, or possibly the “Eefas” for short). The point is, its good.

While American studios should be exploiting the hell out of this movie that’s been so well-received, but we’ve decided on a different approach: it’s going to re-filmed in English.

What the hell? Can’t we borrow something from overseas that’s good and enjoy it just because its good, not because we’ve rebranded it “American”? Sweden sent us another awesome vampire film in 2008 called Let the Right One In (Låt den rätte komma in), which was extremely well-received, and what did we doThe American version comes out in October. From Wikipedia:

Doesn’t this look bad for us? Doesn’t it seem sort of sad that we can’t enjoy a movie just because we have to read the dialogue or because its not “American” enough?  

Come on, America. Let’s join the rest of the world. Let’s learn a second language. Let’s eat foods we can’t pronounce. Let’s make babies with people who don’t look exactly like us.

Because when we remake movies from brilliant foreign directors (The Departed, The Ring, Hostel, The Birdcage, Nine Months, Three Men and a Baby(really? we couldn’t come up with that premise ourselves?) True Lies, Godzilla, Scent of a Woman, Vanilla Sky, The Magnificent Seven and many more), we stifle foreign directors from gaining notoriety and profit from one of the largest film markets in the world.

And we’re better than that.

Friday, May 14, 2010

VHS. Very funny. (to be said like those TBS commercials that end with some “celebrity” saying “TBS. Very funny.” C’mon, you know the ones I’m talking about.)

The theatrical leg of filmmaking had long been its most profitable asset. The U.S. Copyright Act of 1976 “first sale doctrine” allowed retailers to purchase copies of films legally and rent them to customers for 100% profit. Major distributors like MGM and Paramount fought tooth-and-nail to repeal the act, arguing that their intellectual property deserved to be profitable from them all the way down to the consumer. They were unsuccessful, and by 1986 home video revenues had surpassed profits made in movie houses.

Fortunately, these scrappy mom-and-pop outfits found a way, and now studios like 20th Century Fox and Universal collect a high majority of the $25 billion+ (25,000,000,000 plus!) annual home video industry. Hurray for the little guys!

In 1976 Big Film didn’t have much to contend with other than $885 VHS players and $2,295 Betamax players, with tapes being sold for $50-$100. In 2010 the film-entertainment game is vastly different.

Consumers currently have a multitude of mediums to catch new and old films. Beyond traditional movie screens, of which there are around 29,000 in the United States alone, movie watchers can choose between DVD via online or in-store renters, Video On Demand, IPTV(Internet Protocol TV-i.e. Hulu, etc), Xbox, iTunes, cable television and more. And lest we run out of movie theaters willing to take our $14, we have a couple other conduits for our viewing pleasure: TV’s, computer screens, portable DVD players, iPods, PSPs, and Christ, I can even watch films with crystal clarity on my Blackberry (gentlemen, there is no better way to pick up girls than sitting in a coffee shop watching Family Guy on your cell phone)!

And all of these have to compete with that omnipresent evil aura surrounding the whole of the entertainment world, piracy. The advent of Blu-ray, the hilarious return of 3-D, IMAX, etc, are all part of the entertainment industry’s desperate attempt to combat the rape and pillaging of film pirates.

The winner of the battle will be determined, as is normally the case in any capitalist endeavor, by you and me, the consumers. Should we choose to attend movies that seem to be more expensive by the minute, but create an increasingly amusing and pampered movie-going experience, the studios will come out ahead.  Likewise if we purchase instead of rent Blu-ray/DVD’s, which has its perks (extra features, sometimes product tie-ins, the ability to watch a movie whenever you feel lonely). Companies like Netflix and Blockbuster obviously profit when you rent or subscribe with them, both of which are becoming increasingly affordable options, though you gamble on the fact that sometime in the future you may want to watch the film again, such as if you rent “Weird” Al Yankovic’s 1989 opus “UHF”.

Finally, you can go to that creepy guy that stands out front of 7-11 whom you’d be sure was homeless except he’s the proprietor of a seemingly profitable business of selling DVD’s off of a blanket. This is a good idea, except that its pretty unethical, and often the movies are in Taiwanese, and if the film was recorded on CAM instead of Telesync you will inevitably be tapping on your big screen tv to unsuccessfully get the guy who sat two rows in front of the cameraman to take his goddamn feet down, thank you very much, I’m trying to watch Shrek 2 and your Taiwanese Doc Marten’s are distracting me from fart jokes! I’ve never purchased or watched a pirated movie, but I imagine the experience would be similar to what I just described.

Which film outlet will you support?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

A One-Dimensional Approach to 3D Film-Making

Up until recently when I saw the incomparable Avatar, I’d never seen a 3-D movie, with the exception of a John Holmes porno I saw in some arty theater in Dallas. I also didn’t realize until recently that there are a shit-ton of movies being made in 3-D. And I don’t get it.

I go into a movie knowing two things: 1) I will complain about the air conditioning at some point, and 2) The figures I see in front of me are not real, but a colored-light representation of something that’s real.  Because the figures are made of light, and not plastic, skin, metal, or anything else tangible, I will expect them to exist on an X-axis and a Y-axis, and they are therefore two dimensional.

I’m being knit-picky, right? No, I’m not, and I’m offended you’d say so. At AMC Citywalk Stadium 19 tickets to How to Train Your Dragon, which I think is an educational or DIY film, are $12. But How to Train Your Dragon 3-D, which of course is the same movie but requires glasses because it’s so bright, is $17! That’s a 140% mark-up, or possibly even MORE if my math is wrong!

So I should should go see the 2-D version if I want to see this film so badly and I’m cheap, right? You’re wrong again! The Arclight Hollywood, possibly the coolest cinema in America, only shows the 3-D version. If I bring my kids to see How I Met Your Dragon at Arclight Hollywood, but I don’t want to pay $102(in this scenario I have 5 darling children), I’m forced to see The Ghost Writer, a movie by a pedophile, or possibly a DIY film about pedopihlia!

Soon all movies will be three-dimensional. Bad-ass nazi revenge dramas like Iron Cross(check out a pretty cool trailer for Iron Cross) and Inglourious Basterds, Judd Apatow comedies, even British rom-coms like Love Actually will all be out of focus unless you wear dorky glasses that never fit quite right for 2 hours. And they will cost $20 apiece. Oy vey.

Just a few of the numerous REAL upcoming movies in 3-D:

  • Popeye
  • Another Step Up dance movie
  • Another goddamn Shrek movie
  • Another Toy Story movie
  • A Kenny-Fucking-Chesney concert
  • Another Harry Potter movie, or at least a part of it
  • Rapunzel (finally!)
  • A Smurfs movie
  • A Blue Man Group movie (did they read my diary?)
  • Steven Spielberg’s Adventures of Tin-Tin
  • Puss in Boots (or, Another goddamn Shrek movie)

Go to Peter Sciretta’s article for a much better, far less cynical list.

And of course, some fake ones:

Wednesday, May 12, 2010